Black & White Thinking

If my work as a therapist has taught me one thing, it is this. We only see part of the picture. We may think we know exactly how things are based on what we see, we may feel secure and fixed in our views, we may think we really know people, really know ourselves.

Yet, life will challenge all of us in totally unpredictable ways, and when it does, we may make decisions, or behave in ways, that are totally surprising to us.

Nothing in this world is easy to judge, is fixed or black and white. We need to make space for the grey in our own thinking, and in our views of others and the choices and decisions they make.

Let me tell you why this is important.

JUDGEMENT

I think one of the most profound benefits my clients get from working with me is a lack of judgement. None of us like to feel judged, and yet so often we judge ourselves, or others incredibly harshly.

I try not to judge because I have learned time and time again that there is always a reason. Even if you’ve done something that might seem totally shameful or awful to someone else, if we break that right down, there will be a set of circumstances that brought this action about. Who am I, who are you, who is anyone to judge that? That doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t take responsibility for our mistakes, quite the opposite in fact. Often it is our own failures, mistakes and pain that we are running from when we project these onto other people and judge them.

Yet, when we judge everything and everyone as either ‘good’ or ‘bad’ we’re actually making our worlds really small.

STAYING SMALL, PLAYING SMALL

I’m talking about those instances, of which I see more and more of today on socials as the world becomes more polarised, where people are looking for someone to blame. If that group of people are bad, and we’re good, then we’re choosing to see the world through a very narrow and dangerous lens. Often this need to make others the problem comes from a very hurt part within ourselves, and instead of dealing with that, we play small by making the other person wrong.

LOSS OF CONNECTION

We’re blocking real connection when we stay in our safe, rigid, black and white lives viewpoints. Yet, when we are brave enough to see the humanity in others, we see the humanity in ourselves. When we allow other people to be human and make mistakes, we allow this compassion for ourselves. Blaming or judging other people blocks us from actually connecting. Perhaps this is why so many of us do it, when we blame others, we keep ourselves isolated, but also we keep ourselves safe.

GREY, GREY, GREY

Even as I write this, I can hear the contradiction in what I’m saying. I’m thinking of situations where someone has behaved so badly, that it is right for the other person to believe and see them as ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’. But even this is grey. Humans are so complex, every situation has nuance, context and parts of the story that we’re not aware of. Even in our own stories, there is such much that will have had an impact on us that we might not even be aware of.

I urge you to make space for this grey, the next time you find yourself judging others, or yourself, too harshly.